A fictional tale of dances from the 1900s-2010s
Part 1: Dancing makes you Buff! the 1900s
“Places everyone. Quiet please,” shouted host Bom Tergeron. With that, the judges, KarAnna, Blen & Runo from DWSDS and Ligel Nitchgow & Murph Mare from SYTYCV with special guest judge Triple T Debs took their places at the Judges Table.
Bom said it is time to explain the rules for this very special year 3000 Vampire Olympics that happens every 10 years. This year’s competition included the following categories:
Part 1: Supernatural Protection Skills
- Vampire Defense (fending off against wooden stakes, silver, garlic, decapitation)
- Best Power (Witchcraft, Spell, Potion, Premonition or Voodoo Skills)
- Strongest Shifter (Mummy, Zombie, Wolf, Ram or Hart)
The 4 teams that make it past Part 1 of the competition will move to Semi-Finals
Part 2: World Transformation
Change the World Events from what originally happened
The remaining 3 teams will compete for the winner of the 3000 Vampire Olympics
Part 3: World Transformation
- Change the World back to the way events really happened
The Winners will receive:
- First Place A Black tricked-out Coffin that has special lights for Vampires, built-in TV, DVD, PC, Internet, Mini Kitchen filled with blood vials, Toilet & Shower; they will also receive a Black Voodoo Doll Head with Special Powers
- 2nd Place A Purple mini version of a Rhinestone Coffin, this one only has a built-in TV
- 3rd Place A Wooden mini-coffin filled with blood vials, including AB, A, B and O.
The winners from 2090, the Collins (LaBelle, Jack, Ed, Lisa and Barnaby), were on hand to pick the Location and Year for this year’s competition.
LaBelle took the mic and announced that the Year will be 1900 and the Location will be St. Louis, MO. Each team had 1 hour for each competition (Vampire Defense, Best Power and Shifting), with 10 minutes to prepare for each challenge.
First each team has a 10 minute limit to use their Best Power to shift them into the time and place for the event. Once they arrive, they must “Glamour” the location so that no ordinary citizens can view the guests from the future.
After all judges and audience members have teleported there to view, then each team can start the first competition – Vampire Defense.
The Judges will eliminate 1 of the 7 teams during the 10 minute intermission using a combination of their scores and the audience votes
The remaining 6 teams will now compete in the Best Power competition.
The Judges will eliminate 1 of 6 teams during the last 10 minute intermission.
The remaining 5 teams will now compete in the Strongest Shifter competition.
The Judges will eliminate 1 of 5 teams after the Shifter competition.
The remaining 5 teams will go to the Semi-Finals.
To ensure that there would absolutely be no CHEATING, a special enforcement team of Super Witches will oversee all Glamour, potions, spells, voodoo and seeing past and future events. Just, then very charming ladies took the stage. LaBelle said, “May I present our Special Witch Police for the Vampire Olympics: Meddling Granny, Prunes, Pippa, Feeble and Pageant! Don’t these ladies look charming?”
The crowded went wild with excitement, especially since Meddling Granny and Prunes had not died in the Alternate Universe.
Bom said, “Let the 3000 Vampire Olympics competition begin!”
The 7 Teams passed the Torch from team to team and then Bom lit the cauldron with the torch flame.
Bom said, ‘I am proud to present this year’s competitors. Please give a warm welcome to the following teams.”
Each team came out 1 by 1 and was applauded loudly by the crowd:
- Mutant Weirdoes (SunniHell, CA)
Buff Dude (Vampire vanquisher)
Zanadu (Glamour dancer)
Will Potter (Male witch from London)
- Diary of the Mad Vamps (Thinspace 5, VA)
B’Lanna (Glamour dancer)
Demon (Googly eyed Zombie)
Satan (Wimp Vamp)
CatTwin (B’Lanna from the Alternate Universe, also a dancer)
- Turd Blue (Temptations, LA)
Snookie (Bitch Witch from New Jersey)
Pelvis (Elvis from the Alternate Universe, Pelvic dancer)
Jake Brickhouse (Womanizer)
RuPaul Fayette (A vampire that can shift to man, woman or mixture of both)
Sara Thor (Voodoo Dancer)
- Le Monsters (New Orleans, LA)
Grandpa Jacob (Vampire)
Lila (Bride of Frankenstein and Witch)
Marla (Marilyn Monroe from the Alternate Universe, Glamour Dancer)
- Spare Tracks (Railroad Captains from the Future)
Cisco Ten (Emits prophets of past or future events)
Picky John (Borg, Can seduce any woman or man)
Bill Fatner (Can smash vampires by sitting on them)
Copy Hipburns (Glamour Dancer)
Archie Dracula (Leaps while Ruining Cult Favorites)
- Butchers & Bakers (Jackson, MS)
Big Daddy (Butcher)
Granny Smith (Witch)
Aunt Ethel (Country Cooking & Potions)
Dolf Jr. (Werewolf)
Sherry (Glamour Dancer & can Freeze Time)
- The Braden Hunchbacks (Notre Dame, IN)
Mitchell Braden (Wife Beater)
Caroline Braden (Witch)
Jane Braden (Can Freeze Time)
Cynthia Braden (Can see past & future events)
Alyce Braden (Glamour Dancer & can Move Items)
Then Meddling Granny announced that it was time for each team to use their Super powers to take their team back in time to St. Louis, MO in 1900.
Team Butchers & Bakers were the first team to arrive in St. Louis. They had an advantage since Big Daddy had family there in town. So they were quite familiar with the town and townsfolk. Granny Smith laughed as she saw the ladies of that time wearing those God-awful heavy dresses. She remembered wearing those dresses how hot they were during the summer. Big Daddy and Granny visited their relatives, who taught them a quick dance. The dance will come in handy during the competition because it was from the 1900s.
The Glamour Dancers and Voodoo Dancers from the other teams were planning to use dances from the 1900s as well to impress the judges. They studied from Loie Fuller and other dancer greats who taught them Ballroom and Tango dances.
Each team can get 2 extra points for great dancing skills shown during each 3 parts of the competition. So dance was very important if you wanted to win.
The first team, Le Monsters, took the stage to show off their Vampire Defense Skills. This team had been around the longest but their killings skills were campy, old school and stale. Then it was time for the Mutant Weirdoes. This team had actually set the pace for any other Genre Team that followed. The Collins, Charming Special Witch Police and Diary of the Mad Vamps had all copied and imitated their style to become cult favorites.
The Mutant Weirdoes had a special skill of “Trash Talking” and using a certain slang and cracking jokes whilst vanquishing the vampires. They easily won the Vampire Defense Competition.
The worst team in Vampire Defense was The Braden Hunchbacks. There was too much bickering during the Vampire Defense, with Jane shouting, “Marsha, Marsha, Marsha” while she froze time. Then they had the nerve to try to vanquish a vamp while posing on a staircase. That move was so out of style from 1969. They were loudly booed as they were eliminated and thrown out.
Next came the Best Power Competition. The Turd Blue team showed a fantastic tree offering and transformation into a Dionysus-worshipping Maenad. The crowd went wild and the ratings soared for their sponsor GoHoBos. The ladies in the audience swooned when Pelvis sang the song “Bad Things” and transformed it to a chant for Snookie, “I want to do real bad things to you.” The ladies just loved hearing him say, “Snookie” in that sexy, Deep South twang.
The Spare Tracks team did awful in the Best Power category. They tried to transform an audience member into a Borg by chanting, “Resistance is Futile.” But the audience member was listening to music from their IPod so the transformation did not work.. So the Spare Track team members begin turning on each other and shouting insults like, “Bill why didn’t you sit on that vamp and smash him. Archie why didn’t you leap into that into audience member and pretend to be a Borg? Way to go Archie, you have lost all of our cult followers now!” The crowd booed “Beam them up Snotty” as the team teleported away from the competition.
The final category was Best Shape Shifter. The Diary of the Mad Vamps team easily won this category. They shifted into their versions of doubles from the Alternate Universe. But not only that, they conjured the St. Louis Arch from the year 1967, since the competition was held in the same location, but it hadn’t been built yet. To top that off, they showed the judges a time relapse movie of the Arch as it was being planned from a model from 1947 to 1963. Then they showed a mirror image of the 1967 Arch next to the 2067 Arch. The judges gave them extra points since the Arch from 2067 was copper, not green. The crowd went wild when they saw the Arch. The Diary of the Mad Vamps easily won the Best Shape Shifter category.
The ending order of the Teams for the 3 categories were:
- Diary of the Mad Vamps, 1st place
- Turd Blue, 2nd place
- Mutant Weirdoes, 3rd place
- Butchers & Bakers, 4th place
- Spare Tracks, 5th place
- Braden Hunchbacks, 6th place
- Le Monsters, 7th place
The remaining 4 teams were very proud that they will be moving on the Semi-Finals of the Vampire Olympics.
Angela from the Mutant Weirdoes Team shouted, “Let’s get Ready to Rumble for our next Vampire Olympic Showdown in St. Louis!”
The Vampire Dancer Saga is coming soon to Amazon and Barnes and Noble (ISBN 9781477142172, July 2012)
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Don’t miss Part 2 (Dances of the 1910s) coming soon.
What is your favorite memory, visit or image of St. Louis, MO?