Twelve ladies in their twenties wearing sashes and bathing suits all gather around a pool. On the sashes are names like Creep Kampvand, Susie May, Lynda Savage, Savvy Gavvy and Die U-British. Some of the ladies are sitting on the edge of the pool chatting and drinking fruity looking cocktails. Some are standing. Some are sitting on deck chairs. A couple of ladies are leaning against the bar where the drinks are being made although there is a butler with a tray serving drinks. There is a photographer and his assistant present. The flash goes off several times as he takes pictures.
Thank you, ladies. That will do. I think I have what I need. Enjoy your evening.
PHOTOGRAPHER and ASSISTANT pack up their things and go.
So what dance is everyone doing for the competition?
Check this out. I’m the queen of the Moon Walk.
I can see the future. And one day, I am going to marry the Running Man.
The ladies all giggle.
See if you can guess!
VIVID does the Cabbage Patch.
Cabbage Patch! Nice one. How about you Savvy?
How about me?
She does the Roger Rabbit, followed by the Sprinkler.
I do the Worm when no one is watching.
VANILLA proceeds to demonstrate.
SUZY CAN’T PASS UP
Uh-oh! Look out girls. There she goes!
SUZY CHARLENE BACKSTAB
I want to see what Gia can do.
You asked for it! Marla, why don’t you come help me do the Electric Slide.
I may have had just enough tequila to make that a possibility. Move over, girl.
As the two women begin to do the Electric Slide there is a flash of light and suddenly all the women find themselves standing in a kitchen where an over-weight woman is cooking something deep fried.
You guys, I think I glamoured us.
The woman catches her arm on fire. The ladies look on in shock for a moment and then VIVID jumps up. She grabs a dish towel, wets it and throws it around the fat woman’s arm.
She and VIVID look each other in the eye for a long moment.
Thank you, Vivid. That oughta just do it. You feel at home in this kitchen.
Hey guys, I think I’m going to stay. Go on ahead without me.
There is a flash of light and suddenly the girls are in the living room of a tiny house. There are several people already in the living room when they get there, including: IGNANT, HILDY, MARCO, JUSTY and DANNY MEAD.
Pointing and screaming at IGNANT.
Don’t you molest me one day in the Wistful Lanes, you pervert!
I’m sorry. I’m afraid you are just not qualified to apply for the secretary position.
I will make a good secretary for you one day, Danny.
I’m a good secretary, too, as long as I don’t have to work for people like Vanilla.
Girls, I think I’m going to stay on here and help Danny out. Why don’t you just go on without me?
There is a flash of light and the ladies find themselves on a lovely suburban street. Behind them a sign says “Wistful Lanes.” Several of the houses have “For Sale” signs in the front yard. As they look around them the girls begin to giggle and point.
Why not? It’s your fantasy. You can have anything you want.
Okay, then, I want that one.
No fair. . . I wanted that one. But that’s okay. I’ll take the blue one.
Oooo, my turn. I want that one. I like the rose bushes.
Well, as long as we can have anything, we might as well go for the best. I like that rather modern looking one. It appeals to me.
You know, I may have to take the tall one right there. Call my solicitor and have him make the arrangements.
The girls all laugh but then two beautiful men, HAPPY LEO and BOB HUNT come running out of one of the occupied houses with papers in their hands.
Ladies, are you thinking about buying?
We have some of the greatest mortgage deals in the area.
Taking one of the papers and looking it over.
And the fantasy becomes a reality . . .
Why not? I’m in.
I’ve always wanted my own home.
In for a penny, in for a pound.
Give one of those here and let me look it over.
I don’t know if you should do that, Die. If you stay, you will be killed and Vanilla will get your house.
We are all going to end up being pretty desperate at these rates, but I’ll chance it. I think we’re set here. Why don’t you girls go on.
There is a flash of light as the remaining ladies are transported to Motown Records. They stand outside of a recording booth watching five boys record a song. They are the Jackson 5.
SUZY CAN’T PASS UP
I’m going to stick around and help these boys with their costumes and dance moves.
One day I am going to play you in a movie.
Maybe you will. But for now, I am going to stick around here to help these boys. The rest of you might as well go on.
There is again a flash of light as the remaining four now find themselves in a tiny doll house. There is a fake refrigerator with plastic food, a plastic stove and computer. Vanilla notices a very real CD, however, and slips it into her purse. Just then an android with a machine gun for an arm, broke into the room where the dollhouse was being kept.
Give me that CD or there is going to be TROUBLE.
A secret agent comes through the door of the doll house.
Don’t worry, ladies, my name is Eckles. I’m with Vampire Witness Protection. We shrink vamps and transport them into doll houses to hide them. In this case, though, that doesn’t seem to have worked, so I am going to teleport you to Exterminators of the Future.
One day that Eckles is going to end up with Foxy Ricky.
There is another flash of light. The ladies are all dressed like Terminators. They are on a street that maybe Rodeo Drive. Marla notices a tall, muscular, male Terminator and steps up to him.
Back off, girls, this one is mine. Hey, there, handsome what is your name?
I’ll be back.
Who was that man?
That was the Governator. The first and original Terminator.
Hey, what about the contest? We need to get back.
Don’t worry. We just have to find the secret contestant, Sara Cunning. It should only take a few minutes and then we can go.
They hear a scream and then see TERMINATOR standing over the bleeding corpse of Sara Cunning.
Well, I guess that’s one less person to compete against.
Yeah, well, don’t forget: a mystery contestant can be replaced by any other competitor’s relative.
It’s going to be your sister Sherry. She will replace Sara Cunning. Now, if you girls will excuse me, I think I’m going to stand by my man. I don’t care what he’s done. He’s mine.
There is another flash of light. The remaining ladies return to the pageant where SHERRY is waiting nervously in the wings. She is dressed in full Belly Dancer attire. The other girls go back to the dressing rooms to get changed. Once SUZY is dressed, she pulls an envelope out of her bag and quietly slips it under one of the clipboards on the judges table before going back stage to wait in the wings with the other contestants.
And now, Ladies and Gentlemen, let’s welcome our judges:
Judges enter and stand behind the table as their names are announced. When all the judges are present, they sit.
Okra Belfry . . . Terry Pliers . . . Triple T Debs . . . Margo Derek . . . Dulla Plaudool . . . Pinky Jade . . . Mob RaShell . . . and Laz Burman.
A montage ensues in which each contestant is seen showing off her talents. After each contestant we see the score each judge gives the contestants. Sherry does a belly dance but drops her cymbals and receives the lowest marks. Finally, the girls are reassembled on stage as the winners are announced.
Our fourth place winner is Sherry!
Coming in third is Gia!
That only leaves two contestants, ladies and gentlemen. Our new Miss Vampire America is Vanilla Willis! Congratulations Vanilla!
Hold on! Ms. Belfry, if you will look under your clip board, I think you will find something very interesting.
BELFRY looks under her clipboard to find the envelope SUZY stashed there earlier. She opens it and gasps.
Oh My! I think this definitely disqualifies Vanilla.
BELFRY passes the photos on to the judge next to her. More gasps.
She’s not wearing any clothes! I’m afraid nude photos disqualify you.
That makes Suzy our new Miss Vampire America!
SUZY is crowned as the other three huddle, watching.
I never took any nude photos!
I know, honey. But don’t you worry. This day will wash away. One day in the not too distant future, you will have a successful music and acting career that will overshadow this day, completely. So don’t you worry about it.
Gia, I’m tired.
Let’s go home.
I’ll meet you in St. Louis.